Lost, Without A Map October 7, 2019
Life has a way of delaying some things...trips, new discoveries, understandings. In an effort re-enter this writers space, I recognize myself as a little lost and so in need of a map! I have always been one who appreciates the tangible evidence that a paper map can provide...the proof that roads exist and I will find my way, whatever the destination. There is no map for this space in my life. I am in need of a self guided rescue, one dredged from a weary spirit. Unlike the quick clicks that bring me WAZE and instant direction for the journey, spirit is sluggish today.
This day marks six months since I said goodbye to my mom. The spaces around me, whether at home or on the sidewalks of town are blurred by unexpected tears, appearing like pesky pedestrians on the edges of my path...not easily ignored or avoided. Writing, like the soothing touch of a travel mate in the passenger seat, will my recourse. I admit this may be an exercise in self pity, but some trips are just that, and must be endured.
Mom, even at her frailest, was true North. From the earliest times I can remember, she gave direction and example in how to conduct oneself in so many situations...but not the one that matters to me today. At times the weight of not seeing her stops me like a roadblock. The detours are necessary but just serve as a reminder that once again, I am not in control. I can dredge up one of her favorite mantras..."You have to talk to yourself"- a phrase that I know helped her through many a disappointment and challenge. But Mom...it's you I want to talk to!
You were so quiet in your final days, finding a gentle smile when you could, but mostly withdrawing. I know you were tired. I know life without Dad had become so very lonely, even as you tried to find companionship with the new and old folks in your life. None of us could compare to the routine and comfort that life with Daddy had provided. Your path in this life was slowly crumbling and you could only find your way to him.
I miss your strength Mom, even though I so wearied of those habits that diminished your health and well being. You knew what you were about...always. You did not trod an easy road to heaven, as you had a strong heart and the "bonne sante" that kept you vital, even to the week of your passing. You asked me, "Why is it taking so long" when you wearied of the process of dying. I could only whisper that all would be well and sit by you. How I wish I could have sat longer, and learned how one faces the ultimate challenge of letting go. I don't want to let go Mom! I look for signs of your presence. I believe they are with me, but buried too deep in my own nature and lifestyle to differentiate. I don't see you in dreams or signs Mom. Perhaps you were too big for a mere symbol to comfort me. Perhaps your legacy to me is to accept, to talk to myself and eventually find a temporary rest stop where I can feel your love, and smile with the assurance that truly we will meet again.
It's that road map thing that gets in the way of acceptance Mom. There is no document for this time, ...only faith and the experience of living the ride. I can do this, but I sure would love a glimpse of you in the rearview or the side mirror from time to time...just to know you're still part of my journey. Think that can be your new super power Mom...to share with the little girl inside me that still feels lost from time to time?
