What to do...when I can't...   May 25, 2022

    Where do I begin to make sense of the world presented to me this morning?  It's been so long since I sat to write, life taking up space, maintenance of an aging body taking up time.  So often I have awoken to a new challenge or difficult tasks required of me, a hectic schedule with not enough time for the ordinary requirements of a day.  This day, I have nothing but time...and the seemingly insurmountable task of rising above my sadness.  

    Bob and I exited the theatre last night, shaken, annoyed, angry perhaps, confused and with no answers or solutions.  Yes Ms Playright...I believe you made your point, pierced some hearts and left all in the audience uncomfortable and questioning.  You are indeed brilliant!  I have no answers, but I do know I must live the questions with whatever time and space I am presented.  

    Fast forward to our departure from Providence.  It was a Tuesday night and traffic westbound on our interstate was at a dead stop.  Is it really a good thing to know why... and so immediately?  Google supplied me with a link to the news that a high speed chase had resulted in a three car crash at 9:45 pm, shutting down the highway and more importantly, tearing limbs, lives and hearts asunder. 

But the banner at the top of my screen showed the unbearable...making this traffic a trivial affair...  18 more children slaughtered in the safest space many of them may have known, their school.  

    I am sad, my heart heavy, limbs frozen weary perhaps...but safe and able. This drape of emotion is like a skin of dread I must acknowledge.  Reach out to friends for quiet coffee, release my spouse from the responsibility of making it better.  Take hope in the sunlight beyond my kitchen window, the new blossom on the Peace Lily in our living room, the knowledge there is much to do, the wisdom that whispers "you can't do it all, but you can do something".  

    I am sad.  Let the tears flow... and with tissues in pocket move out into the hurting world beyond.  Tiny gestures, small tasks, quiet kindnesses won't fix the bleeding and the denial all around us.  Maybe only my own soul will be restored...I'll have to work with that.   

     

The Christmas Letter That Wasn't...The Sequel That Is!

  Greetings!                                                                       Sometime in Mid December 2021

     I pondered for several days whether I would pen a Christmas letter this year.  There is so much to say, and perhaps I could not capture the spirit of my spirit properly!   But, as this past year and a half merits attention and remembrance, I will move slowly, step by step to reflect on our experience of life in 2021.  These letters go into a file and serve as a collections of memories, so their usefulness to me is precious! 

    Gratitude is what springs to my face and fingers this morning, as I peer out to the first snow of the season.  Last night we ushered and attended a soulful and celebratory version of A Christmas Carol and exited the theatre to a light sprinkle in the air.  We made our way to a covered garage nearby, grateful for no need to scrape or wipe the flakes away.  The gift of snow had settled on our outdoor decorations and fence, by the time we arrived at 29 Burton Street, and I was moved to photograph the wonder at 11:15...grateful for the energy to do so! 

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                                                                                            January13, 2022        

Here I sit...thinking there's so much to say, but perhaps a bit hesitant to force my brain to reveal it...seems like so much work!  I will stop at any distraction...the passers by on my street, the state of the harbor lit by a sunny sky at last.  It's been a grouchy January, and one I have rued with each sunset.  The sunsets have been lovely, but the diminished light and the cold cold evenings it ushers in are a lot of work...you know...the house work of creating some ambience to prevent myself from crawling in to bed at 7:00 pm.  Light the fairy lights, draw the shades and adjust the drapes just so, get in to some comfy lounging pants and top, set an uncluttered candle lit table, find some calming dinner music or succumb to the guilty pleasure of a movie (oh how difficult to come up with JUST the right one!) watched from the comfy couch set in front of the coffee table.  SO MUCH to do at the end of a busy day spent attending to good nutrition, correspondence, relationships, acquisition of information (overload!), proper exercise and ALL that equates to in terms of time and energy expended!  

The pandemic rages on, and on, and on....  So do the consequences of human behavior....that the pandemic will rage on and on and on...  At least there is some comfort in not riding this enormous and endless wave alone.  My friends, old and newer are TIRED and frustrated as well.  The endless text trails serve as proof of our need to connect, in good times and in bad.  I make myself feel useful when I join a slew of worried comments and add a different perspective, perhaps a positive thought.  I get my own support from whatever podcasts or news I can glean information from.  BUT...I am tired of the WORK of seeking and disseminating advice, hope, cheerful possibilities in Grouchy January!

Tomorrow, Bob and I will depart early for an 18 day road trip to Florida.  Dennis and Kim are there so we will be too.  We have vowed to see them more frequently, as Dennis's health seems so fragile.  We are calling the ride a meander, as it will take us until Monday the 17th to arrive at our destination in St. Augustine.  Perhaps we will read to each other, perhaps we will seek yet more info laden podcasts and news stories, perhaps we will draw deeper and more grateful breaths as the layers of responsibility to others here at home peel off with each passing mile.  

I know this...I am grateful for each opportunity that we make and take.  I am grateful for our health and vigor and the hope that it is manageable still.  I am grateful for the practitioners who support us in keeping our brains and bodies well.  I am incredibly grateful that our five children, their spouses and families are self sufficient, creative, healthy and thriving in spite of so many challenges they confront in their own lives and careers.  

I am most grateful that, however cloudy and grouchy a day, a month or even a couple of years present themselves, there is still sunshine to be had... later perhaps.  It is with this optimism, and the warmth of the current sun on my shoulder, that I head south and on to some respite, hopeful to return to a better day and better times ahead.